Silver Spoons

I had planned to write tonight about how we discovered that I have Lyme disease, but since this is for me and I don't feel like writing about that, I'm not going to just yet.  So there :).

I just found a wonderful story tonight.  It is called "the spoon theory".  If you know anyone with any chronic condition, this can shed some light on all they have to deal with in day to day life.  She puts into words what I have been trying to explain for a long time.  So many people have tried to make suggestions about how I should organize my time and my life.  I know they have been well meaning and were really, sincerely trying to help.  Without meaning to, however, they usually produced the opposite effect.  When I felt hurt and or judged, well, it would take at least one spoon away from me for a while.  And being completely honest, I still am learning to not do this to myself.  I would look at others and how they were able to get things done or even just start dreaming of all I wanted to do and then, when I tried and fell short because of illness, the discouragement would seriously affect my spoon count.  (this analogy is really working for me)

One thing that has helped in some ways, is accepting the limitations and just trying to work within them.  In my case, the Lyme has been progressing.  This has meant that just when I accept a certain limitation, another one comes along.  I'm not complaining, this has just been my reality.  I have been trying to fight a shifting entity, without having any idea what I was fighting.  It's an understatement to say that is frustrating and discouraging.

The wonderful and exciting upside to this is that I now have hope for recovery.  I might always have to live my life with less spoons than "normal" people, but I think normal is really overrated anyway. *smile* 

A friend told me recently that it took her a long time to understand that suffering could be a blessing.  She said she used to fight against it and get angry.  I praise the Lord that I have been able to see His blessings, even in the suffering of these years and this illness.  I would love to say that I have been one of those people that you read testimonies about who never once uttered a negative word, even in the midst of the most extreme hardships.... but that isn't my reality either.  The Lord is working on me.  I am holding on to faith and His promises and being as positive as possible without losing a grip on reality.  I also don't want to move ahead of the Lord's healing process in my life and forget how many spoons He has given me at this moment.  For me, that would be a misuse of the idea of faith. 

I guess in the end, I just pray that whatever spoons I am left holding, will be refined to be at least silver, if not gold and that my faith be genuine and lasting.  Any of this will have been worth it if that is the result.

I Peter 1:6-9

⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.