The monster inside me

I haven't posted in a long time mostly because things are pretty much the same.  There are lots of ideas that I ponder but I just haven't been able to make myself write them down.  So many of the daily struggles are with deep, dark and heavy things, that I hesitate to write them down.  I want to be real and transparent during this process, but I'm having trouble discerning between what it cathartic and what might just make me more discouraged or sound like I'm complaining. 

I decided to write about today because I had to deal, yet again, with a major theme in my life.  This disease affects me on so many levels and changes my behavior and reactions to the point that I don't recognize myself sometimes.  I struggle with not wanting to feel like I am excusing bad behavior just because of a disease.  At the same time I know in my heart that this is not me.  Sure, I need work on my character like anyone else.  So how do I fight harder to be better while not accepting the heavy condemnation for not being spiritual enough to overcome outbursts, meltdowns etc. 

I don't have anything that looks like an answer for this question.  All I know is that I am supposed to be reducing stress in my life and always feeling like a jerk sure does put a lot more stress on me.  I pray all the time for more patience and more grace.  I want to be able to bear this trial so much better than I am right now.  All I can do now is pray for a better sleep and less pain so that I might feel a little more like myself tomorrow. 

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.   

Psalm 46 NIV (emphasis mine)

And the tooth shall set you free.

 Forgive me for indulging in the pun.  It just seemed to perfect for the situation to pass up.  Something started a week ago that is quite possibly a small pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.  At this point any step forward is extremely encouraging.   I haven't seen any real change in a while and hence haven't even been able to come up with a blog entry.

I have to start with the saga of the tooth.   When I first got married and moved to Mexico, I discovered a small cavity in a lower premolar.  I didn't speak Spanish, didn't know my way around.  So I was dependant on my husband for information.  At that point he excitedly told me about how amazed he was that his dentist actually washed his instruments between patients.  Like washed, in the sink.  Needless to say I freaked out and refused to go until I found someone who sterilized their instruments.  Now, I have a good dentist who has modern equipment and more recent training....but I met her a few years too late. 

Meanwhile I waited until a trip to Oregon to see my uncle, the family dentist.  He chewed me out for having waited and had to put in a very deep filling.  It hurt me terribly for days afterwards.  The only thing that pulled me out of that was hand fulls of alfalfa pills.  So I made it with that filling for a few more years.  It started to hurt me on and off and finally I broke down and went to a dentist at home (better than the guy who rinsed his instruments, but still not so great) who did a root canal and told me that the infection was quite bad in there. 

A few years later, all of the sudden a whole bunch of tooth just fell off the front of it.  Oh, and it was hurting me again.  Well, the dentist I went to (in Mx) told me that there was no way that was hurting me because it was a dead tooth, therefore it must be the gums.  He also just packed a whole bunch of filling material onto the tooth to hold it together.  This is an important detail because now it turns out that the pain was because of a new cavity that had eaten under the tooth and down the root canal material and into the bone!  So when I said it hurt, I wasn't just imagining it. 

So a few years down the road now,  I went in to my uncle and we were looking at one cavity that I can see and I mentioned that maybe they should x-ray that tooth and see what they see. Well, what he saw was that it had to come out right that moment and that it had been causing infection in my body for at least 2 years now.

In everything I have read and heard in my short study of Lyme disease, this has been a repeated theme.  People who have an ongoing dental problem just can't get better no matter how much they treat.  Of course, for some reason, it never crossed my mind that this could possibly apply to me.  The tooth has not gone without a fight.  Even though my uncle said a large pocket of infection came out with the root and he took a layer of bone off to take out infection, I have been experiencing what the doctors call "discomfort" (but what really means screaming pain) for this whole week.  I did break down and start taking pain killers and then on Sunday we decided that antibiotics were the only choice at this point.  I hate to be taking those things, but I figure we can undo any damage from them later.  The point is to take care of this tooth situation and then go from there.

I am really feeling a lot of hope and faith that once my body is not fighting this constant infection, my treatments for Lyme disease will become more effective.   The ultimate goal is to be strong enough to go home and finish my treatments there so our family can be together full time!  I feel an anticipation in my spirit that the Lord is about to do something big in our lives.  I have no idea what it could be, but it will be good because it comes from His hand. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

 See, I am doing a new thing!
   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
   and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

The River Jordan

AARRRGG!!!  I had a post almost completed that I have been writing and editing for about a month now and I just erased it all!  I guess I was not supposed to write about that topic just yet. Sigh.

I am getting really bad about blogging again.  I keep falling into the trap of trying to write down some of the deeper subjects that I am grappling with in my heart and mind.  When I am not able to articulate exactly what I want to convey, I close it to "finish later."  I guess by my lack of posts, it is obvious how many of those I have managed to complete.  In my defense I had one almost ready.....but then somehow deleted it.  Meanwhile, the drafts folder is full of unfinished ideas.

So I guess instead of tackling a serious issue, I should just journal a little about where I am.  The answer is: not where I want to be, but I am trying to be at peace about that.  It is still a constant battle to find the right combination of treatments and to know which co-infection to be treating more than others and to know when a treatment is more important and when a nap will do more good.  I guess it all goes back to my theme: I am asking for wisdom with every step!

A while ago it seemed like we just were not hitting on the right combo and I was feeling very discouraged.  The Lord used an unlikely and unexpected source to minister to me: the girl's Bible story books.  They had asked for the story of Little Maid - which is the story of Naaman.  When we got to the part about him dipping in the river Jordan 7 times, it hit me.  The Lord gently reminded me "just keep dipping."  The Lord obviously could have healed Naaman without the river, or on any number of "dips." or in any way He chose.  But He chose 7 dips into the river Jordan.  The Lord's healing work in our lives is not about us, it is about His glory. 

So however and whenever He chooses to heal me, I have to rest in the knowledge that it is all for His glory and He knows best.  So meanwhile, I keep on trying different options and trusting the Lord to work it all out.

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[ neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37-39