Thursday, July 14, 2011

The monster inside me

I haven't posted in a long time mostly because things are pretty much the same.  There are lots of ideas that I ponder but I just haven't been able to make myself write them down.  So many of the daily struggles are with deep, dark and heavy things, that I hesitate to write them down.  I want to be real and transparent during this process, but I'm having trouble discerning between what it cathartic and what might just make me more discouraged or sound like I'm complaining. 

I decided to write about today because I had to deal, yet again, with a major theme in my life.  This disease affects me on so many levels and changes my behavior and reactions to the point that I don't recognize myself sometimes.  I struggle with not wanting to feel like I am excusing bad behavior just because of a disease.  At the same time I know in my heart that this is not me.  Sure, I need work on my character like anyone else.  So how do I fight harder to be better while not accepting the heavy condemnation for not being spiritual enough to overcome outbursts, meltdowns etc. 

I don't have anything that looks like an answer for this question.  All I know is that I am supposed to be reducing stress in my life and always feeling like a jerk sure does put a lot more stress on me.  I pray all the time for more patience and more grace.  I want to be able to bear this trial so much better than I am right now.  All I can do now is pray for a better sleep and less pain so that I might feel a little more like myself tomorrow. 

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.   

Psalm 46 NIV (emphasis mine)

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