Sticks and Stones

The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent,
   and their lips promote instruction.

 Gracious words are a honeycomb,
   sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. 

Proverbs 16:23-24 

If you can't say nothing good, don't say nothing at all

Mac Powell

For some reason tonight I started thinking about things people have said to me over the years about my health problems. There are many, many people who have been as sympathetic as they have known how to be and they have been wonderful and a blessing to me in my trials.  I recognize that you can't really understand how I feel, unless you have been through a long-term, chronic illness yourself.  Just like the author of the spoon theory, I know that our loved ones can understand a lot because they live through this with us...but even that just isn't the same.

I am so thankful for all of my friends and family who have been understanding and empathetic to me.  As far as those around who have not been quite so sensitive, most of them obviously did not have intentions to hurt, they were just speaking from ignorance and/or trying to find something to say.  I was able to laugh at most of them pretty soon after, but some have taken longer to seem as funny.  Some things have been much more hurtful, but I don't focus on those.  It's much better to be able to laugh about it! That way something that could have been negative, becomes like medicine. 
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

It is interesting that if someone has a disease that is more obvious or something like a cold, people are usually kind and feel sorry for the person.  When your illness lasts more than a few months, responses are quite varied.  I see other posts around the web from chronically ill people who hear silly comments from people and they all try to share them and laugh at them.  So while they are on my mind, here's my top 5:

5) "Could it be psychological?"
4) "I felt tired like that once, and I just got up and kept going and I was fine!"
3) "Well, I just trained my body to live on less sleep!"
(This from an 18 year old.  I am guessing that around 30 she realizes that will not work forever)
2) From someone (formerly) in our church: "I just don't know why Alex even keeps Kaarina here. I mean, she doesn't do anything!"  (this one has always amused me immensely because I like to ponder what in the world my husband is supposed to do with me.  Beat me so I start working? Trade me in for Pastor Wife 2.0? Send me away? When the Russian Tsars wanted to get rid of their wives they would ship them off to a convent somewhere. Hmmmm.  Or maybe she would suggest that he use Henry the 8th's wife reduction plan?  Bless her heart.)
And the best of all.......
1) If you had enough/more faith, God would heal you. (this shifts the blame to me for being sick and ends up really being this question)

Oh and an honorable mentions go to: "just make more of an effort and you can do it."  Bless me.  If they only understood that I can use up my entire allotment of energy for one afternoon in one trip to the bathroom!

I think it's obvious from the type of comments, that people just opened their mouths without thinking.  None of them will ever read this blog and even if they did, they won't remember that they were the one who said that.  :)

I read the book of James tonight thinking about the power of the tongue.  I don't want to write this simply to log one more memory of this journey or to make the point that we should think carefully what we say to someone who says they don't feel well.  I also want to remember that what I say to people all the time is so important.    

Lord, here I am again asking for wisdom.  You have promised that if anyone ask, you will grant it.(James 1:5)
I ask Father, for help to edify with my words.  I ask that I might be filled with grace and wisdom and that my words would be a reflection of You in my life.  Let me be able to speak the truth in love and yet stay sensitive to the needs of others and to never say anything reckless that might intensify any hurt they are already feeling.  Let me speak words that heal.  Your words.

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, 

but the tongue of the wise brings healing. 

Proverbs 12:18 

 The tongue has the power of life and death,
   and those who love it will eat its fruit. 

Proverbs 18:21

Mama said there'll be days like this.

I have been working on a post for a few days now and it looks like it's not going to happen again tonight.  Ok, letting it go now. I want to discipline myself to write here, but it really can't become one more thing that stresses me. I have enough of that in my life right now.

I bumped up my treatment yesterday, thinking I was ready to handle more of the light.  I am starting to doubt that after Annika kept me awake most of the night and today was extremely difficult.  I have had a bad headache all day combined with body aches, fatigue and just a very low coping tolerance.  Days like this are harder because of course the girls decide to test me more than ever.  I try to take into consideration that they also have bumped up their treatment and are feeling the effects, but it's hard not to feel like they are purposely trying to drive me crazy!

My Lyme consultant told me that at this point lots of things would be trial and error.  She wasn't kidding.  Today we attempted the optimum treatment which means using the light in the morning and at night.  The night session left me agitated and restless and the girls got all hyped up and wired.  I think someone slipped them each a double espresso somehow!  It took both myself and Grandpa quite a while to settle them and get them to sleep.  So tonight's lesson is: rifing right before bed is not a good idea.  I guess tomorrow I will try to use the light earlier in the morning and do the second session right before dinner. 

Oh Lord, please give me wisdom to know how to do this best.  This process is not getting any easier yet.  I ask for help to persevere even when it feels like everything is falling apart. 

   Hear my cry, O God;
   listen to my prayer.

  From the ends of the earth I call to you,
   I call as my heart grows faint;
   lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
 For you have been my refuge,
   a strong tower against the foe.

  I long to dwell in your tent forever
   and take refuge in the shelter of your wings

Ps. 61:1-4

Amen

Missing Puzzle Pieces

Monster headache is joining me again tonight but I am going to push on through and write.  I really hope that this will be worth it when I can look back and read this from the other side.  I also hope that is at least somewhat coherent because at this point, I can't really tell!

Because of wonderful people who were kind enough to share their stories, I have been prepared for the first few months to be especially difficult because of the hertz reaction (die off from the Lyme) but there really are some days that have been harder than others.   It is becoming very clear that all the little things that I have found to help, through trial and error, are all important pieces to the puzzle.  Because Sunday was so busy, I skipped several steps and payed the price today.  Sigh.  I am believing for the day when I can have a busy day and not have to recover for the next three days.  But for now, I have to do every little thing or I pay for it.

So what all do I have to remember? For now my protocol is as follows:

• Rife machine (to zap bugs)
• Epsom salts bath 
• Scrub skin for extra cleansing
• Castor oil pack
• Vitamin C
• Probiotic
• Sub-lingual B 12
• Swedish bitters
• On-beet
• Calcium
• Magnesium
• Rebounder for lymph
• Multivitamins
• Vitamin D
• Evening primrose
• Alkaline water with Chlorophyll
• Lymph homeopathic
• Constitutional hydrotherapy - hot and cold (just realized I skipped this tonight...oh dear)
• Fresh juice before each meal
• Diatomaceous earth 
• Flax oil wherever I can use it

The list looks overwhelming and I think I might have even forgotten something.  I have to say though, that God has been very good and my parents have been so much help and I really have been able to do most things.  The best days are when I have been able to do everything.  The puzzle looks better when it's not missing even the smallest piece.  So I keep going forward, walking in His grace, and do as much as I can every day.

But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
   my glory, the One who lifts my head high.
I call out to the Lord,
   and he answers me from his holy mountain.  

I lie down and sleep;
   I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. 

Ps. 3:3-5