Sunday, October 31, 2010

Wisdom and Honey

Along with a diagnosis of Lyme disease, I found out that I am supposed to be: wheat free, dairy free and sugar free and of course I already have an inherited soy allergy.  We are doing ok on the first two with only occasional forays into sweets.  Since my mom has been cooking what used to be considered pretty hard core health food since I was around 9 months old, you wouldn't think that we would be having to re-learn how to cook...but alas so many things are all new.  Praise the Lord for wonderful blogs like http://glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com/ and http://glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com/ that are helping us figure out how to make substitutions and still be able to enjoy varied and delicious food.

So tonight we wanted to have a special family evening and watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  First, we had a dinner of a very tasty pizza (gluten free crust mix from Bob's Red Mill) and salad.  Then, for movie time the girls and I made (wheat free) maple cookies and we put cashew cream maple frosting on them to enjoy with some hot spiced cider.  Even though the sugar was cheating on the diet, the value of feeling almost like everyone else for a moment was worth it.  In "spoon" terms, I gave up some spoons in the effort to make the cookies and by eating sugar.  I know I gained back just as many, or more spoons from the positive experiences of 1) getting to do what I love: bake 2) splurging and eating something special and delicious and 3) making a wonderful memory with my daughters.

I obviously can't do this every day, but today at least it was the right thing to do.  This really is all about learning what helps and what hinders the healing process.  Above all, I need wisdom to know which is which.



Eat honey, my son, for it is good; 
 honey from the comb is sweet to your taste.
 Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul;
       if you find it, there is a future hope for you,
       and your hope will not be cut off.
  Proverbs 24:13-14

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Silver Spoons

I had planned to write tonight about how we discovered that I have Lyme disease, but since this is for me and I don't feel like writing about that, I'm not going to just yet.  So there :).

I just found a wonderful story tonight.  It is called "the spoon theory".  If you know anyone with any chronic condition, this can shed some light on all they have to deal with in day to day life.  She puts into words what I have been trying to explain for a long time.  So many people have tried to make suggestions about how I should organize my time and my life.  I know they have been well meaning and were really, sincerely trying to help.  Without meaning to, however, they usually produced the opposite effect.  When I felt hurt and or judged, well, it would take at least one spoon away from me for a while.  And being completely honest, I still am learning to not do this to myself.  I would look at others and how they were able to get things done or even just start dreaming of all I wanted to do and then, when I tried and fell short because of illness, the discouragement would seriously affect my spoon count.  (this analogy is really working for me)

One thing that has helped in some ways, is accepting the limitations and just trying to work within them.  In my case, the Lyme has been progressing.  This has meant that just when I accept a certain limitation, another one comes along.  I'm not complaining, this has just been my reality.  I have been trying to fight a shifting entity, without having any idea what I was fighting.  It's an understatement to say that is frustrating and discouraging.

The wonderful and exciting upside to this is that I now have hope for recovery.  I might always have to live my life with less spoons than "normal" people, but I think normal is really overrated anyway. *smile* 

A friend told me recently that it took her a long time to understand that suffering could be a blessing.  She said she used to fight against it and get angry.  I praise the Lord that I have been able to see His blessings, even in the suffering of these years and this illness.  I would love to say that I have been one of those people that you read testimonies about who never once uttered a negative word, even in the midst of the most extreme hardships.... but that isn't my reality either.  The Lord is working on me.  I am holding on to faith and His promises and being as positive as possible without losing a grip on reality.  I also don't want to move ahead of the Lord's healing process in my life and forget how many spoons He has given me at this moment.  For me, that would be a misuse of the idea of faith. 

I guess in the end, I just pray that whatever spoons I am left holding, will be refined to be at least silver, if not gold and that my faith be genuine and lasting.  Any of this will have been worth it if that is the result.

I Peter 1:6-9
6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Blank pages

I love to buy journals.  I have all styles and designs.  However, each one has, at most, 10 pages of writing that does not consist of lists, addresses or doodles.  I guess that goes to show how much I love to write.  I really, really don't like it and I'm not good at it.  Despite that, I am determined that this blog not end up to be another blank journal.  I need to have a record of this portion of my life.  First, for my myself and my family and second any friends who might be interested in how my progress is going along the way.   

This post marks the beginning of the "back again" portion of my journey.  The first part has taken 19 years.  Even writing that makes me cry.  So many things about my life make sense now, in light of the knowledge that I have probably had Lyme disease for 19 years.  But even after a month of knowing, it's still hard to absorb that information.  Especially considering the toll that Lyme takes on ones mental and emotional state, I realize that I don't have to have it all sorted out just yet.  So I am taking it in by (very small) pieces and hopefully I can use this tool to help work through each step of that process.

Through it all, I am in awe of God's faithfulness to me.  He truly has guarded my life and my daughters lives as we have lived with this disease in our bodies.  I see His hand saying "this far and no farther" sparing our lives and bringing us to the point of discovering what this is and finding treatment. 
A promise that He has given me many times over the years has been Psalm 121.  These words have so much more life in them to me now.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
       where does my help come from?
 2 My help comes from the LORD,
       the Maker of heaven and earth.
 3 He will not let your foot slip—
       he who watches over you will not slumber;
 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
       will neither slumber nor sleep.
 5 The LORD watches over you—
       the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
 6 the sun will not harm you by day,
       nor the moon by night.
 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
       he will watch over your life;
 8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
       both now and forevermore.